List of things to do before my first grandbaby arrives.

1) Rip out any drywall that might have gotten damp.

2) Rip out and replace twenty year old rug that my kids merrily trashed.

3) Repaint everywhere and re-grout all the tiles in the bathrooms.

4) Isolate and lock up any nasty things that the baby might get into. Yes, it is early to do this, but good habits are best started soonest.

5) Acquire switch blanks for all electrical outlets.

6) Get stair gates.

7) Remove anything breakable in reach that might hurt the baby.

This list is growing. I imagined I was done with these safeguards when my own kids were grown. Stroll on me. I must have a very safe environment for my grandbaby.

‘Would you like egg with your bacon or a slice of tomato?’ Never any reason given as to why both couldn’t figure. I wonder about that one.

And another gem. A trip to the coast that involves a picnic of either cheese and tomato sandwiches, or egg and cress. The beverage is invariably stewed tea, never any juice. The child, who was never taught to swim by the parents, is left to build sandcastles and pick up pretty rocks.

I sort of now see where my hatred for sitting in the sun on a beach comes from. Boring with a capital B.

So the doorbell rings this afternoon. I am suspicious as we have a series of religious nut bars doing the rounds but this is one guy, not a guy and a woman. Always a bad sign for a ‘Hi, how are you doing and what do you think of the state of the world today.’  This was a nice guy selling a plan for power regulation. Anyhow, in the course of conversation he mentions the stack of books I have on my livingroom table and asks if I am an author.

He writes poetry and has been published. Naturally, we talk shop. He goes away with one of my postcards for Darkspire Reaches as he asked for my website. I also gave him links to sites that publish poetry. Ralan.com is a good market tool amongst others. Yes, I did direct him to the Abyss and Apex with the rider that the work must be fantasy or sci fi. He is also going to be looking at Scrivener as a working tool.

I had the impression he was dead serious when he wrote down the links on the back of my promo card. Interesting afternoon.

Gleaned from ancestral archives. How to successfully poach game.

First, get a perambulator and a new born child. Pack a twelve-bore shotgun under the child and take it out to the woods for ‘fresh air’. Dead birds/small game can be packed underneath the aforesaid child, along with the gun after mission accomplished. Legal, no. Successful, oh yes.

Fortunately, this would not work in the modern day with strollers, but it did way back when. Bad ancestors.

Free Stories.

This is very similar to birthing a child. However, a baby is the sum total of its DNA, while a book is the brain baby of its author. This brings me back to memories of an unfortunate whale watching excursion just off Vancouver Island. We were trying to take in the ambiance and the whales. Trying being the operative word here as there was a young couple intent on thrusting their sprog into people’s faces. Maybe they were aware of how unattractive their angry orange with a black wig was? Children do improve, if not attractive at the onset. I really hope this child did, as it might possibly have become traumatized at being thrust into the faces of strangers. We moved position at least six times to avoid the thrustings of the angry orange.

This brings me to nurturing. A new book, like a baby, has to be nurtured. Yes, there is a need for the product to be admired and it must be displayed so the reader can see the product. This also has to be done in such a way that the new born book has something different mentioned about it every time it is trotted out for inspection, much like the new born child. Thrusting an angry orange with a black wig in the face of readers will produce exactly the same results as happened on that day back when. People will run away.

Cats are fans of boxes. Writers should step outside of them.

Casper.