The heading belongs to anyone who writes a cook book when it is so obvious that they have no idea what they are doing and can’t, in actual fact, cook.

I wanted to make a chocolate gateau today and went to a book I had entitled ‘the chocolate lover’s cookbook.’ Anyone that knows me is aware that I am not a chocolate fan and I do believe this is the first time I have opened this book since it was gifted to me. Just as well, as it happens.

Ok, so my baking skills are fairly simplistic, so I am the type of person to need a recipe for something fancy. I am following the instructions meticulously, all the while thinking to myself about the strangeness of not using margarine or oil and folding in stiff egg whites. I am supposed to divide the result into two greased springform cake tins. Here is where the light bulb goes on in the attic. Even I can see that there is not enough mixture to go into two. There is barely enough for one and I have the right size. I checked. Well, maybe I am wrong and it will rise up like a mountain while cooking? Meanwhile, on to plan B, find another recipe that looks ‘normal’ and get some mixture going for the other pan.

Show time. I have the makings of a cake, but not a gateau. I split the secondary cake into two layers and start to assemble, thinking to put the first effort in the middle. However, when I pick up the first effort I find I have, in fact, constructed a fairly substantial frisbee. Unfortunately these have been out of style since the eighties. The thing is so hard it could probably gouge a hole in steel. No, I can’t add this to the other two layers. I would prefer people not to smash their jaws trying to eat.

After a search, I found a red marker pen and have duly anointed the recipe with the annotation NFG. I shall look through the rest of the book when I have a moment, but I rather think I shall be filing it under G for garbage. I have no idea if the person who wrote this recipe guessed their ingredients and just put down what they thought they had used, or if they cooked a concrete burger and thought this was an appropriate addition to the book their were constructing. What is clear is this person should never have been allowed near a printing press.